FUCK THE AGED

“The great question that has never been answered, and that I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is : what does a woman want?” Freud.

“Me.” Horsley.

Oh yes they do. Asked if they would have sex with me, 99% of British women replied “Never again.” And do I believe in Fidelity? You bet baby. I’m not having one of my girls sleeping with anyone else.

Of course I have a reputation as a misogynist. This it is simply not true. The fact is that what we gentleman would like to do when we see a good interesting woman is fuck her or kill her and we should not make any bones about that.

For example, if I could get two beautiful, buxom women, chainsaw them in half, throw away the legs, the voice boxes, the genitals (all the useless bits) then sew them together at the waist, so that I could fuck one in the face while I gobbled the other’s tits, then I would do it. I would keep this “thing” in a stable chained to a wall on a bed of straw and feed it Kitty cat, beating it on special occasions.

But these days, dear reader, you are not even allowed to hit one!

In fact you are not allowed to hit anyone anymore. Of course, I don’t approve of smacking children - I just use a cattle prod. But if you are allowed to smack children you should be allowed to smack geriatrics as well, because they are just as much of a nuisance as children.

In fact a lot more. I hate old people. I hate them so much that I am going to start a new charity called “FUCK THE AGED”. And why not? I mean, look at them, babbling away to themselves, wasting tax payers’ money on heating, rotting on valuable pavement space - and holding me up at the shop till ... WHY DO THEY NEVER HAVE THEIR FUCKING MONEY OUT WHEN THEY GET TO THE FUCKING TILL? To the workhouse with you all - go away and die of hypothermia.

Old cunts should be taxed to the hilt. They’ve spent half their fucking lives picking fights with Germany, started two World Wars, and then they expect to sit back and get cheap central heating while we sort out the bloody mess they're got the country into.

Fucking old people make me puke. Walking around like that just to save on funeral expenses. I just want to invite them all on a lemming package holiday to Europe, via Beachey head.

Well there we are. We think that laughter is the best medicine which is perhaps why everyone is dying of cancer. Good.

Actually, I am told that women find men who have a fine sense of humour extremely sexy. I am always making women laugh. But they never say : “Oh stop it, you’re killing me. Take off all your clothes and give it to me you dirty bastard,“ See - you’re laughing now. But you won’t come down to 7 Meard Street (Black bell) and fuck me until my teeth rattle, will you? No, you’ll just sit there on your mountainous bottoms, with your pointless enthusiasms, saying things like: “Oh men, they have a one-track mind.” Well, let me tell you something girls. It’s better than having a no-track mind like you lot. Indeed, in the entire history of the world the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman’s mouth is my cock.

I have to say writing this has given my a fucking hard on. It is said that lust is an enemy to the purse and a foe to the conscience. Just as well I’m rich and amoral then isn’t it?

Right, that’s it. I’ve had enough of this bollocks. I’m off to the brothel to get a good housemaids wank. I’m off to see my favourite Serbian whore. Her name? Sloberdownmycockyoubitch.

Comments

[Badger Madge]

an oldie but a goldie… you weirdo.

[Letters from London]

Just finished your book and thought it was very well written, so be sure to pass that on to Rachel will you?

Hope you will be reading at the next Home House poetry dinner? The last one just wasn't the same without the words 'fuck' and 'cunt' setting the genial tone.

Great book, seriously. Admired your ability to write about such horrible things in such a beautiful way. Would be interested to see a sequel.

[piqued]

L from L

If you had paid sufficient attention you'd have noticed that 'the world the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman’s mouth is my cock' is from the book…

I’m not massive fan of the elderly; I’ve had to nurse them. They fall to bits in your hand but if one knows what one is doing they have this ability to produce free morphine from their gums.

Sebastian, I met the lead singer of this band a few weeks before he died, this isn't of interest to you per se but your beloved Marc was a friend...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=rn5rcQxWG4I

[piqued]

L from L

If you had paid sufficient attention you'd have noticed that 'the world the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman’s mouth is my cock' is from the book…

I’m not massive fan of the elderly; I’ve had to nurse them. They fall to bits in your hand but if one knows what one is doing they have this ability to produce free morphine from their gums.

Sebastian, I met the lead singer of this band a few weeks before he died, this isn't of interest to you per se but your beloved Marc was a friend...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=rn5rcQxWG4I

[Bête de Jour]

Like a 14-year-old trying to do stand-up.

Feeble and conventional.

[Gaynor Evelyn Sweeney]

Just checked out this blog and not done so for a while as tied up with booorrring work.
When I read it though I nearly fell off my chair laughing at the modesty expressed! LOL!
We need these eccentricities of Horsley characters in our lives ... The world would be so bloody boring otherwise.

[Letitcia]

Come now my dear boy, OAP's are a constant delight in the 'granny gum-rub department'
How wasteful you are with raw material......
L

[crista carter]

Fucking old guys are easy peezy, not hard work at all. They have a particular smell about them, and always seem genuinely grateful. One endearing old fellow, I gave inspiration when writing in his retirement. Some erotic book historical account of ancient romans! Any fucking way. Pretty damn good. Did I get as fucking mention noooooo. Will I cry at his grave nooooooo, will I get mentioned in his will noooooooo. Am I owe the aged a living or am I ageist! B&Q DIY store started this shit you know, all this hiring pensioners so they are seen to be "equal employers". Ever tried watching them mixing paint ffs worse than watching it dry. Locked and loaded..cum to mamma! Ha ha
Anyways, enjoyed some respite reading of your blog Dandy.

[Belle]

Fuck The Aged has to be one of your best posts darling. You are a fucking superstar, and you know it. Love Belle xxx

[Viz]

"Fuck The Aged has to be one of your best posts darling"

I've heard of damning with faint praise, but that's sending this post to the 9th Circle of hell...

[darla]

the elderley can be very amusing you condescending twat.