The front cover of this months Tatler says "Does wearing bright cords mean you're a prat?“
Inside it says that I wear Corduroy.
I don’t mind lies, but I hate inaccuracy.
I phoned up the journalist.
“I have a boner of contention with you”
“Oh no.”
“Madam, there are three possible reasons for this sartorial faux pas.
1. That you genuinely thought I wore corduroy.
2. That you were deliberately trying to provoke me because you want me to fuck you.
3. You were trying to fill a space as you obviously have plenty of it between your ears.”
She laughed and blamed a colleague. What was unforgivable about this was that she was rude unintentionally. A gentleman never insults someone unintentionally.
I had been thinking about inviting this lady to join the harem but I’m not so sure now. Is she fit? She went from studying Latin at Oxford to writing for The Tatler. From the undead to the unread. Appropriate really. As a writer she lacks rigour, but alas not mortis.
I decide to take my revenge in print.
Features
LONDONER'S DIARY
1606 words
15 March 2007
The Evening Standard
English
(c) 2007 Associated Newspapers. All rights reserved
ARTIST Sebastian Horsley, who claims to have spent £100,000 on prostitutes and was crucified in the Philippines, is on the warpath with Tatler. He claims the magazine has erroneously outed him as a corduroy wearer and he is seeking recompense.
'I will tolerate most things that are said about me,' Horsley tells me. 'I have been accused of misogyny, racism, sodomy, homophilia, homophobia, plagiarism, drug addiction, whore mongering, being a pimp, pervert and prostitute but never ever in my life have I been accused of wearing corduroy.
'I will try out all cuts - single-breasted, double-breasted, big-breasted, drape jacket, box jacket, straight-jacket - of every cloth: wool, silk, cashmere, felt; suede, gabardine, worsted, tweed; velvet, mohair, pussyfur, bunnyfluff; moleskin, sharkskin, eiderdown; seersucker, cocksucker; etc, but I would not be seen naked in corduroy. I have demanded a retraction. Otherwise, I shall sue for defamation of the characterless. There are only two actions I cannot tolerate. The first is wearing corduroy. The second is murder.'
I’m so glad this matter is becoming a major news event. The Iraq war? I prefer to endow trivial events with epochal significance and treat all disasters as if they were trivialities.
I still shudder at the thought of the false accusation you had to endure. The thought of ever being accused of wearing fake fur makes me quite ill. Though, I still dont undestand how a major fashion magazine could confuse velvet with corduroy.
Bxx
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