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This Questionnaire has just been published in Hotpress. It is entitled Mad Hatter’s Box.

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Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?

Myself. To be an ideal guest, stay at home.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?

HRL His Royal Lowness - Satan.

Favourite saying?

Act like a pig, feel like a God.

Favourite record?

Appetite for destruction - Guns N' Roses.

Favourite book?

Dandy in the Underworld. I express in prose of incomparable grandeur thought of an unparalleled brilliance.

Favourite film?

Any film, even the worst, is better than real life.

Favourite author?

Am I the best author of my time? I'd say I was in the top one.

Favourite actor / actress?

None. An actor is a man who tries to be everything but himself. A ghost looking for a body to inhabit.

Favourite musician?

Marc Bolan. He had one foot in heaven, the other in Woolworth's.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?

Being born.

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?

I like to be woken every morning with stimulants in order that I may drift through the day on sedatives.

TV programme?

None. Television is an idiot lantern. Don’t you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one called “Brightness” but it doesn’t work.

Favourite TV personality?

TV personality is an oxymoron. Like the witty woman or the happy Horsley. God forgive us for putting two such words together.

Favourite item of clothing?

At the moment I am swanning sexily around in a haze of self-adoration and a shimmering red sequin suit.

Most desirable date?

The advantage of poor vision is that you can date anybody.

Favourite method of relaxation?

I like to go off to the brothel to get a good housemaids wank.

If you weren't pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?

I have never had a career - but I think I would do a splendid job as one of the handsomest men in the world.

Biggest thrill?

Collecting Gloriana. What’s that? My own press cuttings.

Biggest disappointment?

I have such a strong sense of the disappointingness of existence and the even more mortifying inadequacy of the illusions with which we distract ourselves.

Your concept of Heaven?

Hell. Hell is the red-light district of Heaven.

Your concept of Hell?

Heaven. Heaven is the bourgeois district of Hell

What would be your dying words?

"If this is dying, I don’t think much of it. For the amount of publicity its got its a bit of an anti-climax."

Greatest ambition?

To rest on my laurels, until they become wreaths.

Period of history you'd most like to have lived in and why?

The Regency. Whatever happened to the good old days when children worked in factories?

If you weren't a human being which animal would you have chosen to be?

Any animal that was delicious and fitted well.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?

Celebrate. I eagerly await the end of the world as the ideal solution to all of its ills.

Your nominee for the world's best-dressed person?

Myself. I always dress well beyond the call of beauty.

Favourite term of abuse?

Showing off. It is the only sure bait when you angle for abuse.

Biggest fear?

None. When you're fallen you fear no fall.

Humanity's most useful invention?

Me. I am someone who could not have been invented if the whole world had sat up all night.

Humanity's most useless invention?

Me. I am intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Comments

[piqued]

Well, I can't say I wasn't a little bit disappointed with the Guns and/or the Roses selection

[Teleute]

Oh, I'm not disappointed. After all, Appetite for Destruction does have the sublime 'Usta Love her but I had to Kill her'. Along with the hedonistic pleasures of Paradise City et al. Perfect Mr Horsley. Perfect late eighties. I'm perfectly drunk, so having difficulty typing, so perfectly mood suiting.

T.

[Foxtrot]

Don't listen to him. Anyone who doesn't like that record either has no ears or no balls. Especially if they are female.

[Clair]

You do make me laugh, Mr Horsley, as well as rocking my world in a major stylee.

[piqued]

Dear Foxtrot

You make it seem as if G&R are the epitome of all that is heavy, they are weaker than a virgins piss with no substance or wit, hence my disappointment.

Good day

P

[Foxtrot]

Dear Piqued,

And in turn, I must say that I am disappointed by your rather arbitrary comeback.

Still, what do you expect from a deaf eunuch?

Good day to you sir!

Foxtrot

[Piqued]

Dear Foxtrot

It took you a week to come up with that?

I presume 'deaf eunuch' refers to that awful ginger man who can't sing as my hearing is splendid and I have a pair of magnificent ballz

Toodle pip

Piqued

[Foxtrot]

Dear Piqued,

A magnificent pair of balls does not neccessarily mean that the sperm inside are not two-headed and swimming into each other...though I'm sure with your 'splendid' hearing you can hear them clonk as they collide. Maybe this sound is drowning out your ability to hear the genius of G n' R....oh and he is an awful BALDING ginger man too, in case you were planning on pulling that one out of the bag next.

Guns forever! To infinity and beyond!

Foxtrot

[piqued]

My dear Foxtrot

I think you're a chap in your late 20's or early 30's?

Please do not see the following as patronising; I’m merely qualifying my earlier remark.

G&R appeared at the dying days of what was ‘heavy metal’ before The Pixies and Nirvana arrived and forced soundsmiths to realise that less (and really loud) is more.

In doing so the new wave of ‘metal’ highlighted the splendours of Black Sabbath, AC/DC whilst reconnecting a delicious legacy with 70’s punk rock and mercifully, everything shifted away from knowing cock-rock.

G&R disappeared into the ether as their anachronistic sound became simply unsustainable in the new climate. Like Iron Maiden, they exist in that peculiar never never land where their fans are not genre exclusive. Put it this way most G&R fans love Prince.

Now I insist you have a good day, should you be passing a record shop, try Slayer.

Yours sincerely,

Piqued

[Foxtrot]

Piqued,

But I was having so much fun with our friendly slanging match! Then you had to go and get all serious! What the fuck are you, a journalist for Mojo or something? Anyway. If you want to go in that direction, I would say that the demise of Gn'R (commercially and artistically) was more down to rampant megalomania on Axl's behalf than anything else. And what's wrong with loving Prince? Do I detect an adolescence spent wanking over Henry Rollins? Though I do agree with you about Slayer. I had my nose fractured in one of their moshpits, although it wasn't in 1985- is that still genuine metal cred enough for ya?

Oh and by the way, you couldn't be more wrong in your first comment...

Love and kisses,

Foxtrot

[piqued]

My Dear Foxtrot,

I couldn’t be further from the truth in my assumption of your age? Are you in your teens? (I think you’re in your late 30’s then, not that far off surely?)

I’m correct in one respect though, you do like G&R and Prince as so many are, though how on earth this fits in with Slayer baffles me…

No, I spent my teens listening to heavy metal and progressive rock; it was later I listened to punk and HC. I liked Black Flag of course, I suspect you did too but I was never into (proverbially) ‘wanking’ over Rollins. Always preferred Lemmy.

Back to G&R (if we must) it’s not relevant as to why they split -though they’ve not really split at all have they, the publicity seeking little whores that they are- my original disappointment of Mr. Horsely’s choice of album is the issue here.

Still at least you cite how awful they became, I’m merely pointing out they were awful from the off (orf)

Would you care for a cup of Tool?

My deepest regards

Px

[piqued]

May I apologise for my spelling in my last post, I'm a busy fellow

P

[Foxtrot]

Dear Piqued,

No my darling, where you are most wrong is about me being a chap! Though you are at least 5 years off in either direction about my age too.

Assumption is the mother of all fuckups, eh?

I would never turn down a cup of Tool but I am more partial to a drop of Dillinger Escape Plan, these days. Chased down with a shot of Blondie, if that is all right with you.

Yours truly,

Foxtrot

[piqued]

My dear Foxtrot

I actually apologise for assuming you was a bloke. The moshpit comment probably lubricated my sexist juices and hey presto, an assumption was born

I saw Dillinger Escape Plan supporting Ministry a few years back and again at Reading in 2003 (I think it was) they were awfully loud but plenty of fun

I spent the evening with Debbie Harry at CBGB just before it shut last October, I wasn’t offered the opportunity to bow down and lick her boots (et al) but had she given me the chance, I would’ve. Oh yes

I’ve just found some Prong over here ma’am, catch

Yours truly

Px

[Foxtrot]

Dear Piqued,

That's OK. I haven't met many girls who are as nerdy about music as I am, at least not in the genres of thrash, hardcore etc. And Prong? I have never really paid them a huge amount of attention but maybe I'll go and have another look...

DEP, Reading 2003. Is that the year they opened the main stage on metal day and the singer took a dump during the set in full view of the cameras? If so, I was there too. He had it right just before he pulled his pants down, when he said "You are gonna see A LOT of shit on this stage today. But the first shit you're gonna see is mine" Ah, happy days.

So if you love Slayer, you might have checked out Fantomas, which means you might also be a Mike Patton admirer, like me? And it's NOT about his dirty mind and dreamy eyes. Well, not just that anyway...

S.W.A.L.K

Foxtrot

P.S If an opportunity to lick Debbie Harry's boots had come up, you would have been fighting me for pole position! She was even great doing 'One Way Or Another' while smacked out on The Muppet Show, and not at lot of people can put that on their CV...

[piqued]

Dear Foxtrot

Yes, I was there when the DEP chappie laid a cable, very gg allin I felt

Some Prong Pickle...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RWNAFC1CJ4

Fantomas, oh yes, prefer Faith No more but even I will admit that Patton is a chick

Ms. Harry. I remember when I was a kid dad trying to put up a poster of her in my parents bedroom. It didn't go down too well with mum

Now you have a jolly good weekend Ma'am. And you too Mr. Horsley -if you're reading your own blog. Loved your hat at the Idler party last week btw.

Take care

Px

[DT]

You go to prostitutes. In fact, in one article you boast that you've gone to over 1000 prostitutes - and you feel no remorse but only pride in it. How many of those prostitutes were working in prostitution against their will? How many of them were slaves who had been trafficked to Britain or whatever country you bought them in, and you never even knew it? Or, even if you had known it, would you really have cared?

From the way you write it appears that you dont really think of women as your equals nor that their bodies are their own property - in your mind, its simply merchandise for you to buy or obtain by deception. The main problem with your narcissistic line of reasoning is exactly that it is narcissism. Since you aren't, and never will be, a woman; and since you stand poised in the gulf between one eternity of nothingness and another - in the short span of years during which you actually will exist - you're never going to understand either.

Once, a long time ago, I read in a book the words "a person's a person no matter how small" - maybe you recognize the quote. Every other person alive on this planet right now has consciousness the same way as you do - they wake up every morning, live shitty lives, and go to bed every evening dreading the next day. And yet, some of these people are exploiters and some of them are exploiting - some of these people are responsible for making the lives of some of the others shitty and worthless; and a tiny tiny minority actually spend their time making other people's lives better... but that's another issue, isnt it?

Every time you go to visit a prostitute, you're going to visit a *person*. And maybe that person chose to take money for sex with someone they weren't attracted to; but you can be damn sure there was a reason behind that decision - a bad reason.

Now, I'm very much a black and white person. For me, there's good and there's evil - there are people who go through life harming others in order to selfishly get ahead, and then there are those who selflessly help other people even though it probably doesnt do them any good. You've already admitted that you obtained some of your girls through deception in your many articles; and perchance many of the prostitutes you slept with over the years were being held against their will in the brothel and you neither knew nor cared. You might be complex, multi-faceted individual - layered like an onion, with many interesting experiences and a fine education - I don't care. I've already defined you by the criteria I feel are most important in any individual.

You may be quite comfortable with all this - after all, in your own mind, only you matter from among all the six billion people alive today or all the many billions who have ever existed or ever will exist. No one else is quite "real" for you. No one else feels pain. No one else suffers and no one else has lived a shitty life. If I hadnt randomly stumbled across one of your articles about half an hour ago I might never have come to this website to post this comment; and actually, it would have been just as well. If statistics are to be believed some 80% of all men visit prostitutes at some point in their lives - and it isnt because they dont know what they're doing, its because they dont care.

To be selfish is very very easy - most people are. To be unselfish is apparently very difficult indeed. Tonight girls all over the world - prostitutes - will go to sleep dreading the customers they're going to have to "serve" tommorrow - either that, or they'll spend all night serving them right now, won't they? They're going to have to smile for those customers and make them believe - shallowly - that they actually enjoy sleeping with ugly balding depraved men.

You and I know its just an act; but I actually care. You're never going to care - you've rationalized your actions, you've legitimized them, you've taken them so high in your own mind that you're proud of them. You're beyond help.

[Damian]

I'm sitting here in the book club at The Hospital where we have been discussing Dandy of The Underworld.

Our verdict: Nobody has finished the book. All of us are leaving our copies here so we don't have to bother carrying them home. Except me - I left it at home because I couldn't be bothered bringing it in.

[Damian]

It's also the only book that has prompted us to get online, seek out the author and sledge him.

[piqued]

That's all very well DT and Damian but do you feel that Mr. Horsley's choice of Appetite for Destruction was a little, well, disappointing?

[Foxtrot]

Ha Ha HAAAAA!

Good one P.

Our thread has been a little, well...hijacked hasn't it?

Bloody Christians.

Foxtrot x

[piqued]

My dear Foxtrot,

Dreadful types...

Didn't that bloke Jebus hang out with prostitutes?

I mean what’s good for the Ghost is good for the Dandy, surely…

Toodle pip

Px

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[debbie sue jones]

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[debbie sue jones]

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