Sebastian Horsley : THE SCARLET HARLOT

I have just published this piece in a woman porno magazine called Scarlet :

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I keep reading that practically everyone on the planet is a dandy and it most annoying. We can’t all be stars because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as I go by.

So what is dandyism? Dandyism is a form of self-worship which dispenses with the need to find happiness from others - especially women. It is a condition rather than a profession. It is a defence against suffering and a celebration of life. It is not fashion; it is not wealth; it is not learning; it is not beauty. It is a shield and a sword and a crown - all pulled out of the dressing up box in the attic of the imagination.

Wilde and Brummell are usually held up as the progenitors of dandyism but neither of these men were dandies in my not very humble opinion. Mr Brummell was aspirational and no real dandy is aspirational. As for Wilde? What a phoney he was! And not even a real phoney! He bred for a start, and no dandy worth the name breeds. He must defeat the species role of his body at all costs. The only place a dandy would push a pram is into The Thames.

This misrepresentation continues in modern times. The idea that David Beckham is a dandy is absurd. Dandyism is social, human and intellectual. It is not a suit of clothes walking about by itself. If Mr Beckham’s IQ had been two points lower he’d have been a tree somewhere.

Russell Brand is called a dandy. I suspect he is in costume. He practices Yoga, vegetarianism and other diseases of the soul. Hare Krishna? A real dandy is more Hari Kari. He fucks Miss Moss. A real dandy would tell Miss Moss to fuck herself. Worse, he recently did Earth Aid! This is unforgivable. The dandy remains deaf to the call of social justice. The depletion of his hairspray is more important to him than the depletion of the ozone layer. Convictions are for dullards, whose earnestness - the worst crime in the dandy’s book - is there to be mocked. As for human rights? Quite obviously he couldn’t give a toss ; he could hardly manage to be interested in the rights of his cock.

Tracey Emin has been called a dandy! The idea that a woman can be a dandy is preposterous. There are no female dandies for the same reason that there is no female Mozart or Jack the Ripper. The key attribute of dandyism - detachment - cannot come from someone with womb. How can one possess style with some pissy farty stink-grub hanging off one’s blubber udder? Forget it, darling. Women are on this planet only as trumpets of our glory.

So who are the real dandies? Baudelaire, Quentin Crisp, Bunny Roger, Tintin, Marc Bolan, Johnny Rotten, Robin Dutt and me - not in order of importance, I hasten to add. All these dandies are roped together like mountaineers heading for the summit of beauty. You see my darlings, true dandyism is rebellious. The dandy is part warrior, part stargazer, part gambler, part crusader, part plunderer, part violator, part martyr. He is fit for the highest and the lowest society - and keeps out of it.

To be a dandy is to aspire to the sublime. Dandyism isn’t image encrusted with flourishes. It’s a way of stripping yourself down to your true self. You can only judge the style by the content and you can only reach the content through the style.

Dandies are a brotherhood of higher types. The true princes of the world. The true priests of the world. Like precious stones, their personalities derive their value from their scarcity. Fancy a fuck?