ALL PETS ARE FLUSHABLE

The mice are back. I guess it is that time of year. I have to say I don’t mind them. When I was on heroin I would just lie in bed all day staring at my big toe. They realised that the Lord of the house was…well, indisposed. They got cockier and cockier. They would come out and dance in front of me and eat my Kraft cheese squares. And then one day suddenly they disappeared. I don't know what happened to them. Maybe the rats ate them?

I always feel that they have as much right to this place as me. But then shouldn't they be helping with the mortgage payments? Last year after two sleepless nights I decided to get traps. I set them up with cheese and biscuits. Within half an hour an hour I heard the satisfying crack as the wire smashed the brittle crust of its neck.

The big male mouse was dead. It's little head to one side, blood oozed onto the floor. Ten minutes later the female lay dead by his side.

My first thought was : Fucking hell - are mice that stupid? "Oh there's my husband dead with his head in a trap. Fuck it, I'm hungry." Or maybe it was it suicide? Dogs sometimes commit suicide usually by drowning or by refusing food, for a number of reasons - generally when the animal is cast out from the household, but also from regret or remorse or even sheer ennui. Animal suicide of these kinds is capable of being regarded as a manifestation of intelligence.

I felt terrible. I was a murderer. I was overcome with remorse.

I could see the headlines : "Prince of Darkness Slays Mouse."  "Dracula Gets Mouse Counselling."

I guess I could have done it differently. A friend of mine set the humane traps. Two of them. In the morning she thought she had caught one. Set a mouse free. Off it ran, straight into my house no doubt. Then a few days later she realized there had been another mouse in the other trap. It had starved to death.

I’m not sure what to do this time. I could get a cat? But after it had eaten the mice what then would I do with it? I guess a cat has got nine lives - which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Surely I can get rid of the mice by telling them I want a long-term relationship?

Comments

[piqued]

I've had rodent problems; being a musophobe I’ve investigated various options to prevent them from being anywhere near me.

I suggest you find where they’re coming from (usually evident by concentrated areas of shit and dried sticky piss) bleach the lot and stuff all cracks with wire wool; they can’t eat through that, the cunts.

Secondly, purchase one of those sonic things http://www.primrose-london.co.uk/mouse-repeller-whole-house-p-36.html?source=googleads&gclid=CJm0vPi285ECFQGoQwodmlyWwA just to be on the safe side.

[Woo]

Am I wrong in that I enjoy seeing their lifeless little bodies in the trap, rather than have them scare the bejaysus out of me as they scuttle about the house and I leap onto a chair shouting 'THOMAAAS!' a la Tom and Jerry?

Oh, I am. Tough.

[Debbie Bennett]

Ah, Sebastian - a subject close to my heart - mice - I loathe them and spent the best part of 6 weeks last year plus about £1K trying to rid my house of a ghastly plague. I tried everything - humane traps containing Snickers chocolate bars - apparently a palatable choice amongst the rodent community, peanut butter on ghastly black traps, endless dishes of Rentokil poison which was consumed daily with enthusiasm, builders applying beading around skirting boards, gaps between floorboards filled, cement around any entry points - to no avail! I even had a sort of Tom and Jerry chase around my hall with a very clever, cute little baby mouse one day which put me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I was at my wits end and strolled into a garden centre one day to discuss my problem and was promptly told about a fantastic poison called Neosorexa - I presented gift packages of said poison to my neighbours on both sides and put down a dish of the tasty treat for my house invaders.

Well that was June last year and not a sighting since - however I am intermittently treated to the unmistakeable aroma of a dead rodent - presumably one that has tried an unsuccessful break in to the mouseproofed terrace - when the smell comes it is horrid but I try to embrace it and tell myself that there is no better smell than a dead rodent and infintely preferable to the furry things running around - of course I am not naive enough to believe that they will never come back....but for the time being

[piqued]

I am afraid of them dead as much as alive -there is no accounting for lunacy

[Letitcia]

Well, of course killing them means you cannot even indulge in a spot of Mousealaphillia....
L

[Woo]

There's alway necromousealaphilia, surely?

[Woo]

There's alway necromousealaphilia, surely?

[Mark]

Just get a 42-year-old administrative assistant to live with you. They come with 3 cats – "that do the cutest things".

I put out poison and one died between the floorboards under my very pissed off upstairs neighbor. To clarify it was a rat that died, not a secretary. Later that night I went to a Chinese New Year's party that some annoying vegans (like there are any other kind) threw and found out it was the year of the rat. That has to be some karmic fuckup.

[Christina]

Ah... so you've read Naked Lunch eh? Though he was in his bath-tub... not the bed :P

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