I LOVE ANIMALS - IN GOOD GRAVY

I have been off drugs for some time now. Virtue may be its own reward, but it’s not much of a reward is it? I used to be able to start the day with drugs, instead of with my own company. Chemicals may have been my anti-personality mine but I still look back on them as an exhilarating remembrance of the abyss. They were my death support system and they saved my life by removing me from the dull routine of Sebastian and existence. Lets face it - living on earth is boring and expensive even if it does include a free trip round the sun.

What shall I do today? I will visit the zoo, which is where I belong.

But first the doctor. No one fills such a large space and leaves it so empty as my doctor. She is a great ugly blubbernaut, a salvation salesman who finds deliverance in malevolence. Our exchange went something like this :

“I’ve stopped taking all chemicals, owing to side effects of euphoria,” I told her.

“Get to the point.”

Er ... can I have some sleeping pills?”

“No.”

“Then will you give me a lobotomy on the NHS instead?”
“No”

“I’m miserable”

“Have you tried NA? It is the spiritual, not the medicinal path that you need.”

“I don’t want cough syrup for the soul. I want drugs to make me feel better.”

“Look. I’m busy. Have you got any real problems?”

“Yes. I’ve got Tourette’s Syndrome, you fat ugly cunt.”

Oh how one cloud is enough to eclipse all the sun! I waltz though Soho determined to fling misery around me like confetti. I am allowed to see my flawed reflection in turbulent water - but her! I could have done with a little less frankness if you don’t mind and a little more flattery. What does she know? Of all the masks of modern man, from the clown to the priest to the junkie, by which we seek to disguise our fear of life and death, the doctor is surely the worst. I mean, what can they cure? Aids? No. Cancer? No. Me? No. And the worst disease of them all, being born - can they cure it? No. Well then, they can just fuck off. As for that spiritual lark. How much does it cost?

I’m at the zoo, What I hate most about the zoo is the animals.In fact, may I take this opportunity of being in print to say to animals, all animals everywhere : I fucking hate you. I hate the way you eat; I hate the way you shit; I hate the way you all swagger around as if your lives mattered as much as mine. Who the fuck do you think you are ? I hate you almost as much as I hate the RSPCA. The RSPCA! What the fuck do you want? The RSECA more like! The Royal Society for the Encouragement of Cruelty to animals. I say nuke the fucking RSPCA. Yes! And I say nuke all animals, all species, everywhere. But let me be more specific.

Right. First up. Dogs. Who the fuck do you think you are? Just because you are the only thing on earth that loves me more than I love myself and you’ve read Mein Kampf and all you do is follow leaders like me everywhere, do you think that gives you the right to do so pissing and shitting and carrying on? No it doesn’t. Fuck off and die all of you.

Next up - dolphins. What the fuck do you want? It is said that you are intelligent. If you’re so fucking intelligent why are you dolphins? Hey? Answer me that shitheads. It is said you can understand humans. Good. Then understand this : Fuck off dolphins.

What about pandas? Who the fuck do you think you are? Fat lazy fucks who can’t even be bothered to breed. No wonder you’re extinct, you stinking tubs of shit. Get a job.

As for the tortoise? What the fuck do you want? Why are you always so hysterical and out of control? I see you waddling around on the floor and I just want to run a steamroller right over you motherfuckers.

And the leopard? How dare you swagger around in that beautiful coat trying to be fashionable, when you know damn well that it would look better on my girlfriend. Have you no respect? You’re just like the rhino, you bastard, who hasn’t realised that it’s more important for me to have the horn than it is for that fat cunt to have a horn. But do you want to know what I reserve the bulk of my loathing for? Yes?

The sperm whale. Yes, you. Who the fuck do you think you are? With a name like that you deserve to be extinct, you wanker. Why are you so fat? Hey? Answer me that. Haven’t you had enough to eat for one lifetime? Instead you spend your life moaning and blubbering; save the whale! Save the whale! HA! Save the whale? What for? Dinner? I say : nuke the whale. Yes! Nuke the whale for Christ. Fuck off and be extinct.

As for those vegetarian wankers, I say this to you all - an animal should be delicious and fit well. You don’t agree? Well then, I goose step all over your wall-to-wall lentils in my Lobb boots and I piss in your weaved yoghurts, you cocksuckers. And I say this ; fuck off and die all peaceful, harmless vegetarians everywhere. You fucking nancy boys. You couldn’t kill a turkey unless it was in self-defence. How would you have got on in Vietnam , hey poof boys? Not too well eh? I say : napalm vegetarians everywhere! And you say : a vegetarian diet is best for those who would be beautiful? Well it doesn’t seem to have done much for the elephant or you ugly knob heads does it? You look so much like cabbages you should be called cannibals you moronic buckets of piss. What about this cunt suckers : I eat veal and I’m gorgeous. HA! So shove that up your museli- encrusted arseholes you shit lickers.

As you can see I’m quite a tolerant sort of chap. I believe it is important in life to give things a full and fair hearing. If I was an animal I would already be extinct. As a Horsley I would have been taken out and shot. As it is I am an endangered species ; beautiful, talented and rich. SOS. Save Our Sebastian. There are so few of me left.

Comments

[Urban Woo]

I shouted 'Fuck off, you pigeon bastard' at a bird today; I knew it was an oment that you would return. *Muhahaha*

[Dolphin]

Oh hi.
I am a dolphin and I fucking hate you too.
Also, I don't believe you're off drugs at all. One clue is that the whole doctor scenario: you've written that before. You didn't just go to the doctor.
You're just writing all this so that people think the pubchline of your book - "I'm not on drugs!" (what a joke) - still stands. Otherwise you would have to write a sequel. ("Sebastian on Crack Part 2"? maybe) and I doubt you have time for that, drugs are quite time-consuming.
Anyway back to my pipe..
(Maybe dolphins are quite clever after all)

[Dolphin]

PS

Don't worry, Wankers are not extinct (you're safe) - they're actually quite a common species, found in many environments, quite adaptable, a parasite of sorts. Common in the media and investment banking especially, they also love to pose as artists, writers etc, shedding the skins of pretence every few years. Luckily for Humanity, there is new research that Wankers are very unlikely to procreate, thanks to a combination of commitment-phobia and impotence (probably the drugs.. fucking Wankers)
So maybe, one day, they will be less common.

Until then, rest assured, Wankers roam free in Soho and thereabouts, in gutters, members' clubs and brothels.

You're not alone!

[Kathryn]

Maybe "I've been off drugs for some time" just means "I've been off drugs for a few hours"?

Still at least he crawled back to us as well.

[Thomas]

Sebastian, you're off your nut, but I like it. I just finished your book and found it invigorating. Never had the talent or creativity of thought for art, but I recognize yours.

I hope you continue with the blog, although they truly are for twats.

[s]

sebastion, don't be angry at the animals. it's really not their fault.

[Stephen Duke]

Animal Rights? Well, as politicians are so fond of reminding us, with rights come responsibilities. What have animals done to deserve these rights? Cock all, that's what. If they deserve to have the same rights as humans, then they should fucking pay taxes and obey our laws. Make the elephant take out a mortgage on the land he craps on. Put the lion on trial for murdering the wildebeast. Let's have an actual, real-life kangaroo court here.

The town of Hartlepool set the precedent. In the Napoleonic war, a monkey was found on a ship that docked there, and having never seen a monkey before, the townspeople took it to be a french spy and put the gibbering little bastard on trial. Naturally the monkey said nothing in its defence (I'd call that contempt of court, myself) so it was strung up by the neck until it was dead. Quite right too.

I say, let's put all of these pissing, shitting, farting freeloaders on trial. If they want to live on this planet, let them earn their keep. I'll save the whale if he'll write a symphony or fill in my tax returns. I'll protect the barn owl if it'll work nights at the Mcdonalds drive-thru. If they are unwilling or unable to do this... then fuck 'em in the ear. With millions of humans starving to death, cancer, AIDS, terrorism and white kids in baseball caps to worrying about, I've no time and no sentiment in the sympathy-bank to spare. Sorry Mr. Panda, but that is a fuck I am not prepared to give.

[Scarce Heard]

I just want to say that I dig your vibe. I just saw your interview with George Strombalongname and I loved everyword of it. I also thought that I would mention that I hate animals too, but to be fair to the ones that I hate the most I feel they diserve to be mentioned specifically and not just thrown in with the term animals I hate fucking dogs. They know why.

[Ethan the Heathen]

I just saw you on SexTV in Canada, which lead me to your wikipedia entry, which directed me here. You sir, are a solid genius. Yes, maybe last of a dieing breed, but the world changes, like it or lump it. In any case I wish I was half as brave as you, because Im just as fucking clever you bastard!

Cuddles

Ethan

[Underseaboat Doktor]

The DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder are:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, as indicated by at least five of the following:

1. a grandiose sense of self-importance

2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

3. believes that he or she is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

4. requires excessive admiration

5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

[Riley P.]

Is is true that John Lydon dismissed you as trite and unimportant? That he barely gave you the time of day when you met him? That's too bad. He was your hero, wasn't he?

But let's face facts, Sebastian. Surely you didn't expect that a man of John Lydon's stature would take a one trick show pony like you seriously, after all. He's a man who changed history with his art! And you're a boy from Hull whose sole ambition has been to get noticed for anything other that how rich Daddy was. You have nothing at all in common with the John Lydons of this world. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you might make some real art of your own.

[piqued]

Riley P, I think you need to do some research.

The Sex Pistols (who I adore, incidentally) were Malcolm Mclaren’s ‘art’.

Lydon was a part of this revolution but he wasn’t ‘it’ (fairly sure when you said that "[Lydon had] changed history with his art" you weren’t referring to PiL...)

Mclaren formed the The Pistols after visiting CBGB in the mid 70’s; it was he that styled them and he that controlled them. It was he that changed (rock) history with his (anti) art.

After you’ve done said research you can fuck off.

[A Hippy]

I like the sex pistols, I find them oddly comforting and when I was younger used to turn the volume on the News down and turn the Sex Pistols up and it worked.

Also I like animals, but not gravy, it's fattening.

I like being banal when everyone else is being angry. Is it because I am on E?

Maybe.

And yes Sebastian probably does have Narcissitics Personality Disorder or something but so what? Everyone has something. And besides he doesn't conceal it, so he's not likely to deceive anyone particulaly.

I think he's just masochistic though. Narcissism is Masochistic if you think about it - ie it's Self-Defeating Love.

So why don't we all give Sebastian cuddles (like Ethan suggested) and maybe then, everyone will be happy.

Thank you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PEACE OUT

[A Hippy]

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

lalalalala

PS I always thought masochists were people who like feeling pain, but apparently they're actually people who just provoke it, feel sorry for themselves, and in that is a subconscious sort of catharsis.

Amaying.

LEGALISE MDMA
LEGALISE ACID!

... Legalize LOVE.

[Davey]

Well, well, Sebastian. Back again are we? Good to read that you're still kicking. I finished your book sometime last week... I can't quite remember what day however; I was rather drunk. But I must say I found it pleasant to read the writing of someone who isn't fucking dead upstairs like the rest of these damn so-called "authors".
As for you being off drugs... I wish you all the luck in that area. I find that acid helps quite a bit when trying to get off the heavy substances, but that's just my opinion.
Oh, and as for the people who cite narcissism as a bad thing - what better love is there than self love? I like to call it the 'grand enabler'. Love yourself before you love others and you'll do alright I think. I could ramble all day, but I'll kindly spare you, heh.

Cheers
xx

[A Hippy]

I totally agree with Davey.
Narcissism's fine as long as you remember to love other people as well.
Acid does help one get of coke, heroin whateva...
So does ecstasy actually.
Especially in the summer.

And yes Sebastian is very alive for all his talk of death.

Love to the lot of you,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Suzy]

I too have recently finished reading Horsley's biography and enjoyed the pleasure immensely. As an artist myself it provided huge entertainment and insight into another artists life. Artists are self absorbed beings and rarely show interest in another except to benefit them self, ie style, technique etc. However Horsley is different and I suggest all artists should read his scribblings! ..... And the fact that we relieve ourselves in a toilet probably does not make us less of an animal.

[Michael]

Steve Jones is the only honest sex pistol and the only one I can bear to see interviewed now. Matlock is bitter Cook is vacant and Rotten still feels like he has to be significant in everything he says but isn't. If Rotten had ever stood up and said "hey i was a scared kid half the time" he'd gain some respect. Take a look again. Rotten looked like a deer in the headlights on the Grundy interview. Steve Jones really didnt give a fuck because he was well lit and apparently still doesnt.

[Chav Stabber]

You cunts with your bullshit pro-animal arguments are addressing ENTIRELY the wrong people. Utter fucking idiots.

[Gill]

Read Sebastian's book. Transfixed, which I haven't been in years. He raves, but I enjoyed the ride. He is a lifeform, even if not as we know it. Loved it, and loved him for swiping at all the grumbling norms that bore us into stupidity. I want to live, and he has pushed boundaries that wake me up. He is real and WEIRD, and I quite like it.

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