I LOVE ANIMALS - IN GOOD GRAVY

I have been off drugs for some time now. Virtue may be its own reward, but it’s not much of a reward is it? I used to be able to start the day with drugs, instead of with my own company. Chemicals may have been my anti-personality mine but I still look back on them as an exhilarating remembrance of the abyss. They were my death support system and they saved my life by removing me from the dull routine of Sebastian and existence. Lets face it - living on earth is boring and expensive even if it does include a free trip round the sun.

What shall I do today? I will visit the zoo, which is where I belong.

But first the doctor. No one fills such a large space and leaves it so empty as my doctor. She is a great ugly blubbernaut, a salvation salesman who finds deliverance in malevolence. Our exchange went something like this :

“I’ve stopped taking all chemicals, owing to side effects of euphoria,” I told her.

“Get to the point.”

Er ... can I have some sleeping pills?”

“No.”

“Then will you give me a lobotomy on the NHS instead?”
“No”

“I’m miserable”

“Have you tried NA? It is the spiritual, not the medicinal path that you need.”

“I don’t want cough syrup for the soul. I want drugs to make me feel better.”

“Look. I’m busy. Have you got any real problems?”

“Yes. I’ve got Tourette’s Syndrome, you fat ugly cunt.”

Oh how one cloud is enough to eclipse all the sun! I waltz though Soho determined to fling misery around me like confetti. I am allowed to see my flawed reflection in turbulent water - but her! I could have done with a little less frankness if you don’t mind and a little more flattery. What does she know? Of all the masks of modern man, from the clown to the priest to the junkie, by which we seek to disguise our fear of life and death, the doctor is surely the worst. I mean, what can they cure? Aids? No. Cancer? No. Me? No. And the worst disease of them all, being born - can they cure it? No. Well then, they can just fuck off. As for that spiritual lark. How much does it cost?

I’m at the zoo, What I hate most about the zoo is the animals.In fact, may I take this opportunity of being in print to say to animals, all animals everywhere : I fucking hate you. I hate the way you eat; I hate the way you shit; I hate the way you all swagger around as if your lives mattered as much as mine. Who the fuck do you think you are ? I hate you almost as much as I hate the RSPCA. The RSPCA! What the fuck do you want? The RSECA more like! The Royal Society for the Encouragement of Cruelty to animals. I say nuke the fucking RSPCA. Yes! And I say nuke all animals, all species, everywhere. But let me be more specific.

Right. First up. Dogs. Who the fuck do you think you are? Just because you are the only thing on earth that loves me more than I love myself and you’ve read Mein Kampf and all you do is follow leaders like me everywhere, do you think that gives you the right to do so pissing and shitting and carrying on? No it doesn’t. Fuck off and die all of you.

Next up - dolphins. What the fuck do you want? It is said that you are intelligent. If you’re so fucking intelligent why are you dolphins? Hey? Answer me that shitheads. It is said you can understand humans. Good. Then understand this : Fuck off dolphins.

What about pandas? Who the fuck do you think you are? Fat lazy fucks who can’t even be bothered to breed. No wonder you’re extinct, you stinking tubs of shit. Get a job.

As for the tortoise? What the fuck do you want? Why are you always so hysterical and out of control? I see you waddling around on the floor and I just want to run a steamroller right over you motherfuckers.

And the leopard? How dare you swagger around in that beautiful coat trying to be fashionable, when you know damn well that it would look better on my girlfriend. Have you no respect? You’re just like the rhino, you bastard, who hasn’t realised that it’s more important for me to have the horn than it is for that fat cunt to have a horn. But do you want to know what I reserve the bulk of my loathing for? Yes?

The sperm whale. Yes, you. Who the fuck do you think you are? With a name like that you deserve to be extinct, you wanker. Why are you so fat? Hey? Answer me that. Haven’t you had enough to eat for one lifetime? Instead you spend your life moaning and blubbering; save the whale! Save the whale! HA! Save the whale? What for? Dinner? I say : nuke the whale. Yes! Nuke the whale for Christ. Fuck off and be extinct.

As for those vegetarian wankers, I say this to you all - an animal should be delicious and fit well. You don’t agree? Well then, I goose step all over your wall-to-wall lentils in my Lobb boots and I piss in your weaved yoghurts, you cocksuckers. And I say this ; fuck off and die all peaceful, harmless vegetarians everywhere. You fucking nancy boys. You couldn’t kill a turkey unless it was in self-defence. How would you have got on in Vietnam , hey poof boys? Not too well eh? I say : napalm vegetarians everywhere! And you say : a vegetarian diet is best for those who would be beautiful? Well it doesn’t seem to have done much for the elephant or you ugly knob heads does it? You look so much like cabbages you should be called cannibals you moronic buckets of piss. What about this cunt suckers : I eat veal and I’m gorgeous. HA! So shove that up your museli- encrusted arseholes you shit lickers.

As you can see I’m quite a tolerant sort of chap. I believe it is important in life to give things a full and fair hearing. If I was an animal I would already be extinct. As a Horsley I would have been taken out and shot. As it is I am an endangered species ; beautiful, talented and rich. SOS. Save Our Sebastian. There are so few of me left.